How can I handle my Parental Ego? – Part 1
Posted on: June 10, 2017. Comments ( 4 )

Author: Mrs. Radhika Mohan, Chennai

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When you are a parent, it is crucial that you realize you aren’t raising a ‘mini-me’ but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from whom each of your children are. I accept the fact that we are their biological parents, but their minds and manner aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our souls, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to our needs – a powerful statement made by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

Parents often muse…
…“I need my son to grow up like me.”
…“My son should behave such that people will know that he is my son.”
…“My daughter should be brought up strictly so she earns a good name in her in-laws’ place.”
…“I wanted to become a successful lawyer. Now I shall see to it that my son becomes one.”
…“My friend’s daughter is going abroad for higher studies. I shall see to it that my daughter goes too.”
…“Why did my child behave inappropriately at the party? I feel quite ashamed. I think he needs a proper spanking right after it’s over.”

These kinds of shallow statements, made by parents, may sound quite typical, stereotyped, or at times, archaic.

But these stem only from faulty and negative parental ego.

I am just thrusting myself on my child I am trying to use my child as a vehicle to drive through my own past with distant dreams of my own. We tend to forget that each and every child has a separate and unique identity, strangely enough, quite unlikely from our own. But when parents see their children as reflections of themselves rather than as separate individuals, it may be nothing but a manifestation of one’s parental ego.

It is nothing but the society’s way of looking at the parent-child combo. Societies are partially responsible for this kind of a view among themselves. If a child is stamped ‘good’ then they say, “Whoa! What parenting!” However, if a child exhibits inappropriate behavior, they say “Oh! See the way this child has been reared. Disgusting”! And so on. This throws more responsibility on the parent’s shoulder and they are made to feel guilty about the consequences of their child’s behavior.

At times, or often, children display unwanted behavior. They do have justifiable reasons galore, to behave in such a way, if one can go down to their level and try to understand them. But, coming to the point, when children behave thus, parents are mercilessly judged, publicly blamed, and unfairly ostracized.

Why does this happen? Social pressure is the main reason for this. Actually, social pressure on parents is at an all time high right now. However, parenting has never been an easy feat. Parents are trying hard to understand all of this and recognizing their responsibility in assisting their children in the development of their child’s unique and separate identities.

It is this social pressure that makes parents to conform to a particular pattern of parenting. What they ultimately do is pushing this pressure onto their children.

What is the state (fate) of these children?

The woeful part is that children, under so much parental pressure, are finding it very difficult to express their own true emotions. This inability to be able to express their emotions often leads to unhealthy and inappropriate behavior in them. We, as parents, should understand this fact from deep within our psyche. Extreme cases of inappropriate behavior may even lead to self-injury or self-destruction. To beware and be aware is the best way to handle this manifestation of parental ego.

…continued in the next part

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Comments (4)

 

  1.  
    Pooja Nair says:

    Yes totally agree with Deepa. We cannot have different rules for the children and different for us. They are what we are. Parents are the first adults whom they encounter as they grow up. Also every child is an individual by himself who has personal choices, personal likings etc. As parents our duty is to explain them the pros and cons of all that is available as choices to them and later let them decide themselves what they require. We should not force our choice on them ever.

  2.  
    Alwar says:

    Very nice

  3.  
    Deepa says:

    Every child is different. Actually, children mostly mirror their parents’ behaviour in society and we need to be very cautious while talking or reacting to our other family members at home.

    I believe very strongly in this. While it is our responsibility to groom them well, most important is the way we help them to adjust to the society by practising what we want them to do and not by just preaching..


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