Every mother wants to have their kids to be a well disciplined child, listen to them always, obey them and on the whole be a Good child. Thankfully, kids can be trained to be the way you wanted them to be. So, the million dollar question of “How” arises!!?
Parenting style plays an important role in regulating mental growth of the child through the developmental ages. Regulating child’s behavior is an important ingredient of parenting style. This will decide mostly the love the child will have for you in future. The parents should check for their emotional status before disciplining the child. Ironically, most of the time parents scold the child in frustration and despair, assuming that they are disciplining their child. The fact is that they are only expressing their own frustration, inability and helplessness and ventilating negative emotions (Anger). It is no way going to help in regulating the child’s behavior. So, the parents’ real purpose of disciplining the child is lost.
Imagine a supermarket bill counter, suddenly your kid raises his/her tone to get the chocolate bars arranged aesthetically near the bill counter. You do not intend to get it for him, at all. Generally, most of the parents react to the situation in two ways.1) Irritated by the noise of your child, you give in and get him what he wants. 2) Beat him up and push him out of his way to home. Either the way, the problem behavior is not corrected. In the first method, you have unknowingly reinforced (encouraged) the child to cry hard next time to get what he wants. In the second way, you created the hatred by punishing him, that too, in front of others. I believe that many parents reading this article would have gone through such experiences with their child.
In this era of fast life-style and emerging dual-career families, many parents give in to the obnoxious behavior of kids, just to get rid of the child’s nagging demands and to get instant relief. Thereby, parents unknowingly approve the negative behavior of kids themselves. If this type of building the habit increases, kids become very adamant. They will follow the same strategy of crying /resisting/rebelling for getting things done in their favor. Gradually the child will learn to manipulate their parents for whatever they want. If left unnoticed, this will become their habit and would cause trouble in their intra and interpersonal relationship in future.
At this point, parents have to break this habit by intervening early. So, its better that parents spend quality time with their kids to prevent big troubles in future. Every time, the kid cries adamantly he should not be attended, but ignored. Instead parents have to attend to their needs when communicated verbally by the child instead of crying. Gradually, the adamant habit would vanish and the child will learn that crying hard will not fetch him anything. Moreover, parents should not always say the word “NO”, which the child resents a lot. Instead, they should give them some alternate things to concentrate. E.g., in the same instance, the parents could promise him to buy painting book/whatever he likes, if he stops crying. He must be assured that parents are doing everything for his personal goodness and not that parents are unable to do it. i.e., buying chocolates will not cost them much, but it is not good for child’s health. Effectively communicating with your child is very important.
Punishment must be the least preferred way to discipline the child. Unfortunately, parents resort to punishment quickly as it is easy and they believe that its very effective. However, they are ignorant of the fact that result of punishing acts like shouting and beating to discipline the child is only short-lived with dangerous consequences. For the moment, the behavior may be modified to what you expected, however in long run, the undesired behavior shall soon creep in addition to hatred for the person who punished the child.
One more effective technique to make child do things which they hate to do, is to give them the activity they like only after doing things they do not prefer to do. This way the child will learn to involve in activity which the parents want them to do. E.g. You will be allowed to watch Television (Activity child likes) only if you make your bed ready. (Activity child hates). So, motivated by the consequences (i.e. watching TV) the child indulges in that behavior (making bed) actively and happily.
These are prerequisites to apply these principles.
- Know your child needs and analyze the cause of behavior; there is Motive behind all behaviors. Know what your child likes, to motivate him/her using that as rewards.
- Check out on your temper and make sure that you don’t ventilate your emotions, but be keen on only regulating your child’s behavior.
Parents should check out for their own physical and psychological status, as their irritability should not be displaced on the child. Parents should clearly understand that the child’s irritable behavior has its own causes. It may be physical or psychological. He may be hungry, sleepy or he may need attention and Love. So, the parents should be empathetic about their child’s needs and try to meet those needs. Parents can try praising the child for any small good things they have done, and not always keen on pointing to mistakes they have done. However check to not always say “Very Good”, as the word will loose is power. Use praise in appropriate situations. After all, the child expects love, security and recognition from you. This will definitely make the child to listen to you. These behavioral techniques can be used with adolescents too. So, what are you waiting for, go ahead and start applying them, to see fruitful results. However, be patient and give some time for the deep rooted habits to be modified to adaptive behaviors.
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Nice article for parents to understand the importance of retaining patience to cultivate the kids in disciplined way.
Yeah. sometimes this work. the issue comes mostly with the second child. My second one cant imagine, she wants everything to replay ( action replay), put the same step while we walk again esp. from tirupati down to uphill, ask the sun to come again the same day (all of us have to sleep again with the bed sheets in and it becomes sometimes ridiculous to the core. my in laws handle her softly does by going to the bazaar second time, but i cant tolerate. i handle the other way. any suggestions please. she throws tantrums, at quite times, she listens and promises that she wont repeat, but again when she is cranky, she throws tantrums of action replay.
Good article. Daily introspection and study of child’s behavior with a little thinking and use of wisdom will help mold a child’s future. This is better than the amount of money spent to groom a child.
Amazing will try it immediately
Very good article.. knowingly or unknowingly lot of us react to the situation.. real eye opener..
Superb! Iam going to apply this formula for my child..
A thought well shared. The forth para of the article deserves to be taken note off in a different persepective also(apart for child moral conduct).
“In this era of fast life-style and emerging dual-career families,……………………………………………. and would cause trouble in their intra and interpersonal relationship in future.”
The future of next generation entierly lies in how well and ethically they are brought up.
Today,there is a general feel around that the “present general youngsters are irresponsible,arrogant,etc etc”. Probably its true , but I would say the present generations quality,ethic etc has got a lot to do with the kind of guidance and support provided by the previous generation.To put it bluntly, if you say our youngsters are arrogant and irresponsible, then it is you and your illogical parenting which has moulded them into such default behaviour.
So, lets learn from our own mistakes and take corrective measures, for it will collectively make positive difference in the next generation’s attitude towards life which will inturn reflect on the whole nations prosperity.
very good article yokibu.Thanks for giving us this precious message.The example you have quoted about the situation in the super market is the most common in almost most parents.I think all the parents would get an idea of tackling their children in those times.Nothing is precious than a good advice thank you yokibu
Excellent article. Please keep posting such good articles relevant to child psychology which will help us a lot in parenting.
It is veryuseful and helped me to push my son who is now improved a lot and also concentrates in his studies in amore focussed manner thanks
will try to implement it with my daughter.
Nice article.
Also one should go back into memory of his own childhood and see, what are good things and what are the bad things happened to him from his parents and grandparents. Try to use good things on their kids and avoid bad things.
Worth Experimenting.
Very good article.
A very good Article!
I just got the chance to read this article. As I read through it, I realized that I reacted in both the ways mentioned here on my 2.5 yrs old kid…Punished him when he was adamant and sometimes gave want he wanted just to stop him crying. At times, punishing did work but that may not work out for long. The techniques in this article seems to be interesting..Gonna try it out!
I read this somewhere.. “Children need guidance and sympathy far more than instruction.”
Thanks again for this article.
Great Article. Yes due to my work pressure and expectaion from a 8 yr old that all he does have to be right, i loose my temper, scold and hit him at times and then start worrying abt my behaviour.. Told many time nicely & strongly also, but he is not changing at all. He may listen for a day and he will forget all advises and follow his own way. Even by giving an activity which he hates in lieu of getting what he wants he hesitates doing that. Even hes not finishing his school work and homework. Teachers also complaining. how to handle this? Pls advise.
Very good article. Thanks Yokibu
Very good and educative article. My son is 6 yrs old. He is very hyperactive. Even at school he is not able to sit in his place for more than 10 mins. All his teachers complain for his restless behavoiur. But in studies he is a very good child and has good potential. But he doesn’t have patience to listen or even sit in the class. please give me some remedy to handle this behaviour of my kid.
If you really think that he is hyperactive compared to other kids of his age, you can take him to a psychologist for certain assessments to have a check on his behavior. There is nothing to worry..however, this behavior has nothing to with Intelligence..but its always better to do few psychological assessments, to rule out your doubts..
Beautiful article. Indeed as a parent, how often we do this with our kids, give in to their favours / wishes or react in an angry way.
Very good article. when i read this only i understood my mistake .will try to change and try to workout all this techniques wit my kid
It is a wonderful article.My son is 6 years old. But when he goes to any classes he insists me to wait outside. If i refuse , he cries.what to do?
I understand your query..but i need a clarification before i respond to your question..what does he do when he goes to his regular classes at school? Does he have siblings? Do you live in joint/nuclear family ?
A very good article! Please keep on posting so that i can apply it for my kids Thanks a lot..
After reading an article which could teach us what we needed as parents, we want to really try our best to learn it and put it to practice. But, how many of us succeed immediately, even if we are “all for the advice”? It takes us quite a lot of time and repetitive efforts to imbibe it in ourselves, for change isn’t that easy. So, we parents need to be patient with ourselves first. Imagine it then, for our children. “Patience and consistent effort and encouragement” is the key. Gradually, there will come THE CHANGE that is required. All the best, parents.
This article is really very informative. In order to implement these ideas i think we should give a deep thought on the way we react to situation. And as rightly said by Amala Patience and consistent efffort is the only way out of it.
Happy parenting.
rightly said by Khyati..parents should first change themselves and their attitudes/beliefs about parenting and genuinely take efforts, which definitely will result in positive parenting!
All the best parents and I am happy about the insight that this article created in minds of many parents..Healthy and positive child is very important for the society !!
how to handle a teenage boy?, kindly answer
Never handle anybody….only devices needs to be handled…..
No one likes to get handled…..
Leave him independently and check whether he can handle himself….just guide him….correct him whenever he makes a mistake….Leave him free…..just watch how he manages himself…..
All the best
Bringing up kids nowadays with the amount of exposure they get and the higher IQ among kids is a challenge which cant be under stated. Lucky are those parents whose kids are easier to “parent”. I strongly feel that each child’s individuality is very crucial and decides the way they can be disciplined. So, its important to first try to know the child’s caharacter and choose ways to discipline. “tailor – made” appraoch is necessary. Active involvement of the mother and the father is mandatory.
Very valid principles ,but parents need to be talented to resist giving in but insist on children. Many a time they tend to take it easy, hoping children will change as they grow up and start facing challenges. Alas…..
Hi,
I see that this is a very old post. I got to read this only today, and i feel like its God sent. Although we have always known that quality time and self temperament are the most key factors, I need someone to remind me of these in some form! Most timely read, Thanks a Ton!
Great Article.. Yes due to my work pressure and expectaion from a 4.5 yr old that all he does have to be right, i loose my temper, scold and hit him at times and then start worrying abt my behaviour.. Even by giving an activity which he hates in lieu of getting what he wants he hesitates doing that..He is so adamont that he sticks to only whatever he wants, how to handle this? Pls advise
A child’s strength is to be adament and do what he likes. As a parent our strength should be patient, smiling. If you loose temper and scold him and hit him then you are hurting his mind very badly….he will become more adament….
Love is a very good way to change the child’s behaviour….slowly try to correct him….first you have to change a lot before expecting a 5 year old kid to change himself….
“The parents should check for their emotional status before disciplining the child ” – very important, i am sure, many of the readers would be careful in this matter before they discipline their child.
A good article, will try with my kids.
Its a very nice article
good advice, i need to change and then …surely i can change my daughter who is intelligent.But the thing is she asks frequent silly questions and seems adamant .How to control…………
very good article, I will also try to implement on my children. thank u author.
I am very happy to read this article,very good tips because I tried to change myself at all times,sometimes it works . My son becomes very irritated as soon as he enters home after school ,the reason given will be that boy did this or that. He cant remain without watching the TV . I tried many ways to stop it works only for 1 day. Very Demanding nature.I sit and explain to him, he says sorry and he behaves good for few days than again the same.
The article was very informative but yes i face the same problem ..nothings seems to work with my son ,he is 15 years old..He says he will do but he never does it ..How to tackle this ??????????????
Dear Sunita,
Your son is undergoing adolescent period which is a period of turmoil and v. stressful for the child as well as his parents. From what u have written it seems that your son did not believe in your Advises..jus’ to get rid of ur advise for time being he says ok..but wldn’t follow it.
you need to be xtra careful when it comes to dealing with boy in his adolescence..develop trust in him. You praise him in front of others when he does a simple task..and say he is v. efficient and responsible and you believe in it..wait and see, he will become the same..if you really believe in him and remain hopeful!
All de best
Chitra Aravind
Thanks a lot for your advise .I do have hope in him and i forgot to mention to you that this attitude of his is also affecting his studies.his board exams would be in May ..How to make him more responsible and more disciplined..
Very helpful and much needed advice. I am having some very bad and frustrating days handling my daughter. Seems like everything is getting out of control. I really needed some advice on how to control this situation. Very good tips which i am going to use. Thanks
thanks for such a good advice, i need to change myself and then …surely i can change my son who is intelligent, but adamant .
thats right..you have developed good insight..all the best
Thanks for giving such a wonderful article. As mentioned in the writeup, my daughter who is 3 years old, used to cry for getting something which she needs. She will not stop her cry until she gets that thing from me or whom so ever.
I am a working woman. Hence, please advice me how to change my child by stopping her from crying for all the things.
But she is very intelligent and does her work independently. Very smart. But only thing is because of my work pressure, I used to scold her but not all the time. So, how to bring a smooth relation between us.
Advice me….
Regards,
Lavanya V.
Dear Lavanya,
I can understand your work pressure. Your daughter is only3 yrs old..so, you need not be anxious..you can change her behavior easily. Use the same techniques as mentioned in the article. Moreover, try to be conscious while dealing with ur daughter and control your negative emotions.
Talk to her and always convey the message to her that you are going to job, for her goodness only. She may feel that you are leaving her alone and going out and may develop hatred within.
Whenever you find time, even if it is less, spend happily with her and watch your temper before talking to her. When you are relaxed and cool talk to her..otherwise you may end up only scolding her and feeling guilty later! Take her out and get her things she loves..at the same time be firm and say ‘no’ when she indulges in adamant bhr’ to get ur attention..
All this things will develop good bond between u and ur daughter..all the best…
i too wish the same
hey lovely tip to me as I am mother of two kids, would surely apply this in my behavioural pattern, before they go out of hands. Thanks a million to the writer.
it’s simple – children learn by observing and imitating. They do not imbibe what parents SAY but they imitate what parents DO. So if you want your children to be disciplined, all you have to do is to set examples and role models in front of them by being disciplined yourself.
Thanks for this article. I as a parent shall try to change my behaviour towards my child.
Very useful article. Parents must try to implement these principles
My son hesitate to tell us what happend at school or hiding home works etc. Told many time nicely & strongly also, but he is not changing at all. He may listen for a day and he will forget all advises and follow his own way.
Mr.Sundararajan, The solution for the above mentioned problem is to spend quality time with him on daily basis.Main thing to keep in mind will be not to Boss,preach,judge,critizize and need to respect their point of childrens views.Spend more than 15 minutes each day together listening and talking. Let the communication be a two way street.Listen to them first.
Don’t have outside interruptions.
Don’t blame or try to defend anyone.
DO MAKE one-on-one time SPECIAL .This could be a small step which may give you positive reaction from your child.
M.Suresh-Parent
you try sharing your experineces and tell what happened to you at work, home and involve him to share his whole day events…..may be that can help him to share….
Very useful article. Parents must try to implement these principles.
GOD bless.
I have to change me a lot. Thank for the sender.
Timely help
Nice Post…..will try to implement it with my daughter.
every mother must read this to grow up their child without handling them harsly- it was very helpful
I am happy to read this article.. I will surely try to implent thier techniques..
Excellent article.
A Very good tip and its the one which i needed at present .i hope i can handle my daughter without negative force .
Thanks to yokibu
Its a good article i have tried all this with my child but she has a habit of nagging,she has the capacitity to nag 1000times also pl help